iPhone 4. Phone calls like you’ve never seen before… with splotchy yellow globs of glass encased Steve Jobs urine.
iPhone 4. This changes everything… including your ability to hold a phone like a normal fucking human.
Don’t get me wrong, I am COMPLETELY biased. I’m an Android-loving, Google-promoting nerd. I’m not blind to Apple’s “innovations” or their ability to make any fucking idiot sorority girl look like they know something about technology. BUT I’m also a fan of another thing… shit that works.
So basically, Apple released a device that literally looks like it’s been dipped in piss, and then tells their die-hard fanboys/girls that it’s not working because they’re holding it like a phone…
YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO HOLD IT LIKE IT’S BEEN DIPPED IN PISS… duh.
For the record, I hold my Nexus One however the fuck I want to. I mostly use my hands, mostly.
With the release of Donut, (granted there weren’t THAT many changes, this was no Cupcake), my love for my phone has been coated in sugary glaze and a bazillion sprinkles of Android 1.6 love seed. Glove love. Love glove. I would totally put my dick in an Android love glove… if I had the parts.
Now that my phone is faster and more capable than ever, I thought, “Well fuck, this is a great time to brag about all of the shit my phone does that all those faggy BlackBerry users phones don’t do.” (Sorry Linds, not that you bother reading my blog anyways… OUCH. Best friend burn).
So without further annoyance, here are my fave/most used applications and a brief Lauren-esque description of just what is they do that makes them useful to me and other humans who didn’t make the poor choice of purchasing another cellular device that doesn’t run Android. (B-B-B-BAM!)
Google Voice: Call forwarding application. You call my google number, it rings to whatever numbers I set it up on…your number?! I could. I could do it. Comes with voicemail transcripts, (yes, I read my voicemail, not listen to it, because I’m classy), data use sms, (making text packages through my wireless provider obsolete), is available on web-based client, (I can access my sms and voicemail via web), and syncs contacts which can be grouped and set for individual voicemail recordings, (the voicemail my boss hears is different than the vulgar as shit voicemail you hear as my best friend or lover).
Twidroid: Twitter client for Android. Minus the fact that my battery is drained by this application every fucking day, (thanks to @manicsocratic and the fact that I have it auto-update every 5 minutes), I love it.
Foursquare: Check-ins for Foursquare, shows nearby locations, sorts favorites, shows friends. Basically makes me the mayor of everywhere I go because my phone is like my best friend, boyfriend, and mother. Except it has less… hair.
FML Widget: Because FML.com is how I get to make fun of people I don’t even know, and it’s better when it auto-updates… and it gives me something to read when I’m pooping, which is often. (No seriously, I poop a lot).
Checkbook Genius: It’s the grandma application for a new generation! (I’m a grandma!)Balance my checkbook with my phone. Great for quick spenders like myself who are too lazy to log-in to online banking from the web browser. Makes me keep track of my funds, so when I get slobby robbed by a dickhole who thinks my credit is good I’ll be like…”Identity? You can has it.” And I’ll know that he has access to all $23.47 in my account.
E/Gmail: Of course I get my gmail, it’s a fucking Google phone. But I also get all of my lauren@ohsuplauren.com emails to my phone… which is 0, unless I get a comment, which is never. (Yea, seriously, some fans you are… all 5 of you, one of which is my boyfriend… HA can you believe I have a boyfriend?! Me either).
Latitude: A feature of Google Maps that allows you to see any of your friends locations (using GPS if I want to kill my battery in thrice the speed). Now I can really stalk you all instead of just doing it on Facebook…
Mabilo: Ringtone app, always up to date on the current trash they’re playing 104.7 and 101.5. Used to be Tunes for Android, sometimes they’ll give you entire songs instead of just snippets for free. I love free. That’s how I got my Gunther song.
Pandora: Pandora radio, there’s also an app for lastfm which I’m sure is just as blazingly full of sick jams for me to jerk off to in my car on my way home from work.
Ringdroid: Make ringtones yourself unless you have fat fingers, (Dad.com). Not so recent but awesome update, you can use unprotected m4a files. SWEET DIGS MA.
Shazam: The one application that never ceases to amaze me. Whether I’m at the bar or a bookstore or in the middle of a Charlotte Russe holding 5 pairs of underwear in one hand and my phone up to the ceiling in the other to capture a song, it almost ALWAYS knows the song.
Rings Extended: This app is a lifesaver for ringtone selection, in combination with
Ringo Lite: which makes setting contact pics and ringtones easier than buttfucking Santa, (which is terribly easy by the way).
The best fucking part of ripping this Android market’s asshole, is that I didn’t pay a penny for any of these glorious applications, or any application for that matter. Of course there are more apps that I use, but Jesus Michael Christ go buy a G1 and download them yourself you faggy dripshitter.
On August 5, 2009 my G1 and I celebrated our 8 month anniversary, (he took my SD virginity, it was horribly messy). The relationship started out rough, I couldn’t figure out how to delete the disgustingly horrendous analog clock from my home screen, (fucking gross), the battery died sometimes up to 3 times a day, (I ADMIT it, I am a power-user), and I couldn’t get used to the QWERTY keyboard.
Since then, I’ve developed a much more personal relationship with my phone and with a romantic combination of the Android Market, the QWERTY keyboard, and Cupcake (Android 1.5), I believe that it is safe to say that it is love. But to put the cherry on top, Google has given me Google Voice.
Google Voice takes my love to an entire new level… not only does it allow me the ability to control (from my phone and my computer) what voicemail people hear when they call me depending on what group I have them set in, it allows me to screen my calls, listen in on voice-mails as they are being left, and READ text transcripts of said voice-mails. Plus my Google Voice phone number basically has my name in it. (NOTE: GOOGLE VOICE APPLICATION IS NOT AVAILABLE FOR iPHONE USERS BECAUSE APPLE REJECTED IT. Jab jab jab at Apple).
Go on… click it, try it out. (I won’t bite, or answer for that matter, this baby will go straight to my voicemail). Leave me a voicemail!!! The text transcription isn’t very good, because computers don’t understand humans very well, but whoever manages to leave me the voicemail with the funniest text transcription… well, you’ll get a… personalized OH SUP where I will subject you to public ridicule. Fun right?
Google is my love, and I’m proud to be a user of my phone/all things Google. With any luck the application will be upgraded, as it leaves a lot to be desired in the SMS area, and its update rate is severely lacking. Aside from the app, I’ve got no complaints on the web based platform, it runs just as smoothly as Gmail.
iPhone 4. Phone calls like you’ve never seen before… with splotchy yellow globs of glass encased Steve Jobs urine.
