ohsuplauren.com

With the release of Donut, (granted there weren’t THAT many changes, this was no Cupcake), my love for my phone has been coated in sugary glaze and a bazillion sprinkles of Android 1.6 love seed. Glove love. Love glove. I would totally put my dick in an Android love glove… if I had the parts.

Now that my phone is faster and more capable than ever, I thought, “Well fuck, this is a great time to brag about all of the shit my phone does that all those faggy BlackBerry users phones don’t do.” (Sorry Linds, not that you bother reading my blog anyways… OUCH. Best friend burn).

So without further annoyance, here are my fave/most used applications and a brief Lauren-esque description of just what is they do that makes them useful to me and other humans who didn’t make the poor choice of purchasing another cellular device that doesn’t run Android. (B-B-B-BAM!)

Google Voice: Call forwarding application. You call my google number, it rings to whatever numbers I set it up on…your number?! I could. I could do it. Comes with voicemail transcripts, (yes, I read my voicemail, not listen to it, because I’m classy), data use sms, (making text packages through my wireless provider obsolete), is available on web-based client, (I can access my sms and voicemail via web), and syncs contacts which can be grouped and set for individual voicemail recordings, (the voicemail my boss hears is different than the vulgar as shit voicemail you hear as my best friend or lover).

Twidroid: Twitter client for Android. Minus the fact that my battery is drained by this application every fucking day, (thanks to @manicsocratic and the fact that I have it auto-update every 5 minutes), I love it.

Foursquare: Check-ins for Foursquare, shows nearby locations, sorts favorites, shows friends. Basically makes me the mayor of everywhere I go because my phone is like my best friend, boyfriend, and mother. Except it has less… hair.

FML Widget: Because FML.com is how I get to make fun of people I don’t even know, and it’s better when it auto-updates… and it gives me something to read when I’m pooping, which is often. (No seriously, I poop a lot).

Checkbook Genius: It’s the grandma application for a new generation! (I’m a grandma!)Balance my checkbook with my phone. Great for quick spenders like myself who are too lazy to log-in to online banking from the web browser. Makes me keep track of my funds, so when I get slobby robbed by a dickhole who thinks my credit is good I’ll be like…”Identity? You can has it.” And I’ll know that he has access to all $23.47 in my account.

E/Gmail: Of course I get my gmail, it’s a fucking Google phone. But I also get all of my lauren@ohsuplauren.com emails to my phone… which is 0, unless I get a comment, which is never. (Yea, seriously, some fans you are… all 5 of you, one of which is my boyfriend… HA can you believe I have a boyfriend?! Me either).

Latitude: A feature of Google Maps that allows you to see any of your friends locations (using GPS if I want to kill my battery in thrice the speed). Now I can really stalk you all instead of just doing it on Facebook…

Mabilo: Ringtone app, always up to date on the current trash they’re playing 104.7 and 101.5. Used to be Tunes for Android, sometimes they’ll give you entire songs instead of just snippets for free. I love free. That’s how I got my Gunther song.

Pandora: Pandora radio, there’s also an app for lastfm which I’m sure is just as blazingly full of sick jams for me to jerk off to in my car on my way home from work.

Ringdroid: Make ringtones yourself unless you have fat fingers, (Dad.com). Not so recent but awesome update, you can use unprotected m4a files. SWEET DIGS MA.

Shazam: The one application that never ceases to amaze me. Whether I’m at the bar or a bookstore or in the middle of a Charlotte Russe holding 5 pairs of underwear in one hand and my phone up to the ceiling in the other to capture a song, it almost ALWAYS knows the song.

Rings Extended: This app is a lifesaver for ringtone selection, in combination with

Ringo Lite: which makes setting contact pics and ringtones easier than buttfucking Santa, (which is terribly easy by the way).

The best fucking part of ripping this Android market’s asshole, is that I didn’t pay a penny for any of these glorious applications, or any application for that matter. Of course there are more apps that I use, but Jesus Michael Christ go buy a G1 and download them yourself you faggy dripshitter.

Taggables: 1.6, Android, Android 1.6, Android love glove, best friend burn, checkbook genius, cupcake, Donut, email, faggy BlackBerry, faggy dripshitter, fml, fmylife, foursquare, g1, getting slobby robbed by a dickhole, glaze my android donut with love seed, gmail, Google Voice, latitude, lauren.com does not promote blackberry, lauren.com poops a lot, mabilo, pandora, ringdroid, ringo lite, rings extended, shazam, twidroid

It is (almost) my 2 year anniversary at my inbound customer service call center job. (Yea, I have a job numb nuts, it’s how I pay my bills… because Travis ain’t no sugar daddy… bummer). In this two year stretch I’ve noted a few things. Things that bother me, things that freak me the fuck out, things that make me laugh at you when I get finished with the call, all sorts of things, all sorts of thongs? No. Things.

Today I’m going to address a few of those things, I’m also going to make a few underwear references.

1. The Background Baby. Congratulations! Your vagina is ruined. I know that you’re mad because you pee a little when you sneeze now, but for shits sake don’t call when your baby is crying in the background. AND if you find it necessary to call during such an event, leave it in whatever dumpster you left it in. Don’t go grab it from its fluid covered cage and hold it up to the phone. Just because you stay at home all day caring for a pooping, puking, foul monster and nobody gives you compassion for doing so doesn’t mean you have to ruin my day by having it cry tears of unjust diaper change in my ear.

2. Freeway Stander. Unless you’re calling for roadside assistancebecause you ran over the thumb tacs I left in the street (MUAHAHA!) I can think of no valid reason to call me while you are standing next to/on/amongst a busy freeway, (unless you’re committing suicide, then, by all means). Things make noise when they go fast! When I fling a thong by your ear, it makes a noise. A whooshing. I don’t want to fucking hear a whooshing while I try to explain something to you that you can’t understand.

3. Phone Breather. There are mouth breathers and nose breathers, respirators that breathe for you, and people who probably don’t deserve to breathe. (Hi! Me! Me me me!) Phone breathers are at the top of that list. (I’m second). If you can’t position your face on your phone well enough to prevent yourself from breathing directly into a microphone… expect the worst. I will breathe back at you. I will breathe a hole through your face. BREATHE WARS.

4. Whisperer. This person can’t find it in their voice-box to exude any confidence whatsoever and wishes to maintain a secretive relationship with their service reps. Understanding is impossible as only half of what they say is audible enough to hear, and asking for a repeat is scarcelyworth the effort. Accepting the fact that this person may in fact be a ninja is sometimes a solution, but I prefer thinking that somebody locked them in an oven and that they are trying to get you to ask about it, while presenting subtle hints like, “pssspspss pspspspssss oven. Pssss pssssss psswwwwpspspspssssss burning alive. Pssssswwooooo pssssssss delicious psswww fucking candy house.”

Taggables: background baby, breathe wars, freeway suicide, i pee when i sneeze, lauren.com has a job, lauren.com oven locksmith, ohsuplauren, thing thongs, Travis McCoy is not a sugar daddy, underwear references, unjust diaper change, whooshing

I feel as if my whole life up until this point I’ve been standing in the shadows of my labia. It is as if I had been left in a dark vaginal cave and kept from the light that is a feminine urination device.

My dreams of standing up to pee have finally come to fruition!!!

Introducing the Go-Girl. Basically this is a silicone pee device, (that is probably made out of recycled dildos that your mom stopped using since I bought her that fist shaped one), that you hold up to your nanky-nooner and splay your urine about in a very precise manner, (like archery, but your bow is your Go-Girl and your arrow is your stream of bladder infection urine, whore).

The website makes some pretty hefty claims saying that the Go-Girl can protect you from crowded, disgusting, distant, or non-existent bathrooms. (Because my entire life I’ve been attacked and ridiculed by non-existent bathrooms. They stole my diary in elementary school and stole my virginity in jr. high… don’t worry, I found it in the back of a Bronco one day in the parking lot of Sunflower Market). But… here are the ways I would use it… the REAL USES.

 1. Peeing into the mouths of my dungeon dwelling civil war soldiers.

2. Not peeing into it and just holding it against myself so that my penis envy can FINALLY be resolved.

3. To pee out a car window.

4. To give to a child to wear as a ’silly hat.’ Of course pictures would be taken, and shown to said child later in life explaining a urine captcha was all up in their childhood locks.

5. Pee Olympics. The new olympics that I will start that has all pee related sports that must be performed with the Go-Girl.

Blah blah blah. Apparently there are other products of this same nature… that all have hilarious names which include:
iPee, P-mate, Urinelle, Sanistand, Lady J, and my personal favorite, Shewee.

Doesn’t this give just the very best new meaning to, “Oh you go girl!” Now every time a balck girl gets all uppity and another praises her on doing so, I’m going to picture her peeing through a pink funnel, and tucking it back into her purse. Carrying a urine soaked bizz all up in her purse until she washes it with her dishes in the dishwasher. DISHWASHER SAFE!

Taggables: dishwasher safe, feminine urination device, FUD, Go-Girl, in the shadows of my labia, iPee, Lady J, lauren.com, mom's dildos, nanky-nooner, non-exstent bathrooms, P-mate, Pee Olympics, Sanistand, Shewee, Urinelle

Snuggie! Apparently they make a blanket now for people (retards) who can’t seem to get their hands out of a regular blanket in time to do activities. (Apparently there are a lot of time sensitive activities to be done, and a lot of people with weak arms (women)). (Apparently I used the word apparently three times already, four if you include me telling you that I just used apparently three times… five. Fifteen). A typical Snuggie user is pictured above. (As you can see he is most likely a stanky ass fucking pedophile… how many children do you think are hiding in his cum stained Snuggie?)

This blanket is a great idea for 0 reasons. If you fail at using a blanket or if you are so incompetent that you can’t remove your hands from underneath such fabric in a timely manner, you don’t deserve hands. Please cut them off, put them in a sealed envelope and address them to me.

I did a little bit of research and I compiled a list of people that I feel may find the Snuggie useful. I think you’ll find something in common about all of them, just as I did. They all look stupid as fuck, and they’re all either evil or not real.

 
The grim reaper. Collecting souls is no walk in the park (It’s more like a walk in a graveyard… or through the mass graves of the Holocaust, icky). He definitely needs his hands available, otherwise how would he hold his badass scythe? I can only imagine how cold bones get. Plus, what if he needs to skedaddle in a hurry? How on EARTH would he do that in a regular blanket without it getting caught on corpses or being blown away in the wind?

Voldemort. When he’s not hiding underneath some goofy ass-fag’s purple turban, Voldemort is plotting Harry Potter’s death. (SPOILER ALERT: Harry bones Ron’s sister while Hermoine uses straponicus penetrateous on Ron’s ass. It’s all filmed by the Weasley twins who have invented candy that you swallow and it makes you cum Bertie Bots Cum Flavor Beans). Blah, of course V-mort needs to use his hands while also concealing his boney, weak body. Otherwise all the Parcel Tongue women will think he’s faggy.

 
Ex-President W. W doesn’t really need a Snuggie, but he is one of the only idiots I could think of who would probably buy one thinking it was a great idea. I imagine he idolizes the great sales people of AS SEEN ON TV items… Tony Little, Billy Mays, and Vince Offer. (Gazelle, OxiClean, and ShamWOW!… respectively). Perhaps he has them on My Circle, (I can’t see W resisting the sales power of Chad either).

 
The Emperor’s Royal Guard is no stranger to the Snuggie, and has even gone so far as to pair it with a helmet for ultimate creep status. Watch out! This Royal Guard isn’t a stranger to owning a butt stick. (Lindsey.com, you know what’s up). He will pwn your butt with this butt stick and make you gasm all over his Snuggie. Then he will make you pay for the dry cleaning. 

 
These pointy Royal Guards, more commonly known as the KKK, (Kids Koveting Kandy), use the Snuggie in their daily activities… IE: lynching gingerbread men with super ropes, smothering gingerbread houses in red hots, burning down the Candy Cane Forest, hunting gingerbread men through the sketchy parts of Gum Drop Mountain… basically following whatever lame atrocities Lord Licorice places before them.

 
Palpatine… err… the Pope hosts one of the most rare of all Snuggies. The white Snuggie. He often secures his Snuggie in place with fashionable gold ropes that he stole from the curtains of the Vatican. He also accessories this Mary-Kate inspired look with red leather Papal shoes. These shoes have been stained by the lipstick of 1,000 bitches, who have been on their knees in front of the Pope and kissed his feet… which is ritual in some religions before you perform a sacred blowjob.

Taggables: as seen on TV, Billy Mays, butt stick, death, Emperor's Royal Guard, ex-president, Gazelle, George Bush, gingerbread lynching, grim reaper, Harry Potter, KKK, lauren.com, Lindsey.com, OxiClean, Palpatine, Parcel Tongue, Pope Benedict, President W, Royal Guard, sacred blowjob, ShamWOW!, Snuggie, the blanket with sleeves, the pope, Tony Little, Vince Offer, Voldemort, weak armed women

This is the true story, of one Lauren, picked to write a blog, work alone and be bored out of her mind, to find out what happens, when she stops browsing items, and starts purchasing them instead. Basically, you’ve stumbled upon a list of some of the things I’ve found myself craving. Like a fat guy, except skinny, and a girl, and not… food related.

I wantz sphynx. When these kittens turn to cats and start looking like Gollum that’s when the fun begins. I’m a fan of any animal that can poop its’ own poop and flush its’ own toilet.  Look at the skin on this thing. It’s like god put a cat skeleton in a skin bag, (but who hasn’t done that), and blessed mine eyes with it. Yes I want. I want to rub lotion on my future cats, (it puts the lotion on cat skin or else it gets fucking cat dander everywhere), and I want that to bother you. These cats are a bit pricey, you’d think you’d get a discount for the lack of fur, but what they lack in fur, they make up for in PURRsonality. Annnnd I’m a fucking douche-fag.

 I wantz Nikita hoodie. I found this picture when I was searchin’ for somethin’ else. (I know not what I seek…ed. So don’t ask). This particular jumper… err… hoodie is grey, I like that. Also it is long enough for my Lanky Kong body. Also I’m into that whole, “I’m trying to be a turtleneck, but I’m really just a hoodie with neck protection” style. Also, fuck you Nikita, I can’t buy you in Arizona.

I wantz Lotus Exige S 240. (Storm trooper not included). I mostly want this car BECAUSE a storm trooper was driving it, but also because it looks like the kind of car a storm trooper would drive if he wasn’t busy following Emperor Palpatine’s rigorous orders. Also, this car is totally within my price range of… free. (Pending nuptials with unidentified man with riches). If I can’t have the car, I’ll please have storm trooper costume. I am capable of settling.

I wantz Amazon Kindle. I want books at my finger tips in a clunky white device. I love white devices. This is based on the fact that I am racist. I hate white people, but I love white electronics. I get to pretend that white people are smart when my electronics are white. Asians make great electronics, Indians make great doctors, and white people make great consumers. Lauren makes a decent bologna sandwich.

There are so many more things that I want, but I went and spent all of my money on this tyte ass G1. Omg ANDROID MARKET pwns my soul! No, really, it does. I kid you not, but we’ll discuss that later.

Taggables: Amazon Kindle, android market, bologna sandwich, cat lotion, furless, g1, Gollum, Lanky Kong, lauren.com, Lotus Exige S 240, Nikita, racism, sphynx, storm trooper, Wantz