Lazy Bear

lauren.com — Wed, 23 May 2012 06:07:20 +0000

I literally have work sweats. They used to be my main work out sweat pants, but now, since I work from home, they are my devoted sweats for work. I used to yearn for a job where I could dress all semi-professional officey and wear glasses as a fashion statement…. but now I wear glasses for vision purposes… and sweat pants for work.

There are advantages to the sweats. They don’t stain my white faux leather chair from IKEA like my dark jeans would. (I’m so classy with my chair). They’re comfortable and stretchy, and they don’t leave seam lines on my skin when I take them off.

But, without a doubt, there are absolutely disadvantages and depressions.

For instance, I wear sweat pants A LOT. I’m like the rock bottom vision of Jason Segel in Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Also, sweat pants aren’t really a motivator to do anything, ever.

They’re the ultimate lazy-wear, and I am the ultimate lazy-bear.

Even as I sit here on my day off, I am prepped into work sweats for tomorrow morning, when I will perform my menial job well enough to earn consistent praise from a boss I’ve never even met. I’ll talk professionally to 60+ people… but I’ll be doing it in sweat pants.

I think it’s time to ditch the sweat pants.

The Great White Summer

lauren.com — Tue, 06 Mar 2012 04:07:22 +0000

Once upon a time a pale, freckled, vitamin D deficient girl was walking into a mall from outside. The girl lacked fashion, not because she was an idiot, but because she was cheap. She didn’t look out of place or odd in any way, but as she approached a group of particularly bedazzled 45 year old men, one of them said something under their breath. (By under their breath I mean loud enough for anyone born with working ears to be able to hear). He said, “OMGZLOL DiD u SeE hOw WhItE tHaT gUrL wUz?!” (Yes, it is safe to assume he talked in off and on caps).

FACT: That girl was me, and that man was an asshole.

I am formally declaring this summer of 2012 the Great White Summer.

So, to those crispy old men, fuck you. This is the Great White Summer. My goal is to not get a single burn this year, no matter how minor, to find new ways to prevent my skin from premature aging and damage, and to fully embrace the whiteness that is my skin.

And to ladies everywhere who can’t seem to grasp the concept of pale skin.

NO! I can’t get a “base tan.”
NO! I won’t go to a tanning salon to pay for skin cancer.
NO! I won’t get a spray tan so I can look like an Irish Snooki.
NO! I won’t use self tanner.
NO! I won’t lay out with you.
NO! I don’t care about your “summer glow.”
and NO! this year you CAN’T borrow my god damn sunscreen because you only brought your SPF 4.

PS… if you google “pale pride” for some reason majority of the top 10 images are porn. Awesome.

Old Hobbies

lauren.com — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 05:19:24 +0000

I literally just had to spit water on Piper to get her to leave me alone. She gets into these selfish phases where she will do literally anything to have my attention… but it’s always when I want to give her that attention the least. She bites the wires to my speakers, claws my mattress, bites paper, attacks my feet and hands, knocks things off of my desk, bites the entrance to her litter box… I should probably be worried. She’s probably going to murder me in my sleep. Also, her breath smells like butt.

REGARDLESS.

I recently started working on a anniversary gift for Travis which turned me back to my creative side, so I tore out a bunch of Nintendo pixel art I had done from a softback Moleskine I bought awhile ago so I could have a new journal without spending $25. (I’m a journal snob. I went Moleskine once and haven’t turned back since). I’ll post some pictures of Trav’s gift when I’m done with it, but I decided to start the new journal today.

I’m not completely thrilled with the cartoon self portrait, mostly because my nose isn’t quite right and it’s really dumb to try to draw freckles… but I wanted to draw hair really bad? Sometimes I just want to draw hair. THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT, STOP CRITICIZING ME. I think I might add color tomorrow if I get bored enough at work, which means I will be adding color.

Where to Go, What to Do?

lauren.com — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 03:58:54 +0000

I’ve been in my head a lot lately about my future. The last time I was this thoughtful I jumped into a 3 year debt payoff process that still isn’t over. It starts with me hating myself as an overreaction to something I regret, rests on me being discontent enough to search for an answer, debating on the decision to choose a solution to the problem, and then eventually getting angry enough to do something about it.

I’m not quite angry yet.

I’m sitting somewhere between terrified of change and knowing I need it. It’s a bitter little corner. I think I’ll be stepping out of it soon, but I need to decide what I’ll be stepping into.

I Can Spell Turtle

lauren.com — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 03:53:52 +0000

After one post the critic has spoken: my blog doesn’t have enough Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I have been out of the blogging game for so long I didn’t realize that one must present their turtles so early on. Clearly the entire TMNT community thinks I’m an absolute joke. I can’t let this rest on my conscious, so here you are.

Somehow, I almost managed to spell turtle wrong. This is because I was so hurt by the accusations of my blog “hardly being a blog,” that I couldn’t even focus on spelling. So to all ya’ll haters, here’s my turtle.

Fresh Start is Fresh

lauren.com — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 05:08:32 +0000

This blog is new. It feels new, like I can’t curse in front of it because I don’t know how it will react. Or if I needed to poop and I was at its house I’d have to pretend like I needed to grab something from the store just so I wouldn’t seem human in front of it. But that’s exactly my plan. I intend to be a little more human with this blog, I’m totally going to poop in its bathroom.

Don’t get me wrong, I am an asshole still. I’ll talk crap about almost anything. It’s a result of years of silent observation, disappointment in my fellow man, and some amount of self loathing that gives me the ability to immediately and effectively criticize everything/everyone around me. I just feel like that other lady who lives inside me who likes to think about DIY projects and listen to Enya deserves her spot in the internet sun. So, she’ll get some time too.

You’re probably wondering, “What’s the point, why am I reading this? I wish this girl would stop wasting my time!” BUT I’m going to pretend you’re thinking, “Wow, I’m so glad Lauren has a blog back up again, I wonder what she’s been up to lately because I totally unsubscribed from her on Facebook, unfollowed her on Twitter, never had Google+ in the first place and deleted her phone number.”

I’ve been up to nothing, but I’ll talk about that like it’s awesome. So, welcome me back.