Call Center Faux Pas: Part 1
It is (almost) my 2 year anniversary at my inbound customer service call center job. (Yea, I have a job numb nuts, it’s how I pay my bills… because Travis ain’t no sugar daddy… bummer). In this two year stretch I’ve noted a few things. Things that bother me, things that freak me the fuck out, things that make me laugh at you when I get finished with the call, all sorts of things, all sorts of thongs? No. Things.
Today I’m going to address a few of those things, I’m also going to make a few underwear references.
1. The Background Baby. Congratulations! Your vagina is ruined. I know that you’re mad because you pee a little when you sneeze now, but for shits sake don’t call when your baby is crying in the background. AND if you find it necessary to call during such an event, leave it in whatever dumpster you left it in. Don’t go grab it from its fluid covered cage and hold it up to the phone. Just because you stay at home all day caring for a pooping, puking, foul monster and nobody gives you compassion for doing so doesn’t mean you have to ruin my day by having it cry tears of unjust diaper change in my ear.
2. Freeway Stander. Unless you’re calling for roadside assistancebecause you ran over the thumb tacs I left in the street (MUAHAHA!) I can think of no valid reason to call me while you are standing next to/on/amongst a busy freeway, (unless you’re committing suicide, then, by all means). Things make noise when they go fast! When I fling a thong by your ear, it makes a noise. A whooshing. I don’t want to fucking hear a whooshing while I try to explain something to you that you can’t understand.
3. Phone Breather. There are mouth breathers and nose breathers, respirators that breathe for you, and people who probably don’t deserve to breathe. (Hi! Me! Me me me!) Phone breathers are at the top of that list. (I’m second). If you can’t position your face on your phone well enough to prevent yourself from breathing directly into a microphone… expect the worst. I will breathe back at you. I will breathe a hole through your face. BREATHE WARS.
4. Whisperer. This person can’t find it in their voice-box to exude any confidence whatsoever and wishes to maintain a secretive relationship with their service reps. Understanding is impossible as only half of what they say is audible enough to hear, and asking for a repeat is scarcelyworth the effort. Accepting the fact that this person may in fact be a ninja is sometimes a solution, but I prefer thinking that somebody locked them in an oven and that they are trying to get you to ask about it, while presenting subtle hints like, “pssspspss pspspspssss oven. Pssss pssssss psswwwwpspspspssssss burning alive. Pssssswwooooo pssssssss delicious psswww fucking candy house.”
Tags: background baby, breathe wars, freeway suicide, i pee when i sneeze, lauren.com has a job, lauren.com oven locksmith, ohsuplauren, thing thongs, Travis McCoy is not a sugar daddy, underwear references, unjust diaper change, whooshing
October 29th, 2009 at 11:08 am
This was tremendous