I think that adults learn very similarly to kids. All of a sudden a kid is like… “Holy shit puzzles are awesome!” or “Fuck this block set, I’m going to start playing with dinosaurs.” and then “Dinosaurs are for diaper lickers, I’m going to make grandma read me a book!” to “Books are 4 fags l0lz. Txt me ur hw! I need 2 copy 4 tmrw!!!”

Except with adults it’s all lame shit, like “Holy shit, babies are awesome!” or “Fuck this apartment, I’m going to start paying for a house!” And then “Long term relationships are for diaper lickers, I’m going to make my boyfriend marry me!” to “Marriage is 4 fagz l0lz. Txt me ur signature! I need divorce decree 4 tmrw!!!”

I’m scared that the ages that correspond with such natural learning patterns draw closer each day. When are my needs and wants going to change from “Omgz do want Google Nexus One and Amazon Kindle.” to “Technology is teh suck, I can form babby?” or “Independant living FTL! I can has marriage?”

So… what kind of shit stunts your growth? Meth? Okay. Will do.

Okay… Bad example… marriage and babby forming would never replace my lust for new technologies, Google technologies especially. Android baby hybrid? Now we’re talkin. I want to download apps… for my baby.

Taggables: adults vs kids, android baby hybrid, apps for babies, babies, forming babby, i can has, kids vs adults, lauren.com, lauren.com is unreasonably faithful to google, lauren.com only has MS paint at work don't judge her sk, lauren.com would never actually wear a pink sweater whi, learning, meth before marriage, ohsuplauren

I have a really fucking horrible habit of singing disgraceful lyrics to the tune of popular music, (my boyfriend and I do it all the time, because we’re horrible… horribly awesome).

So I spent most of my day at work reworking some lyrics for lil’ ol Miley. They are quite enjoyable, and most def NSFW.

I jumped off a plane at LAX, with a cum stained cardigan
Welcome to the land of fame & sex, whoa look at all these men
Jumped on a dick, no this isn’t my first time
Look to my right, see some coke think I’ll do a line

This is all so crazy, guys gunna make me have his baby

My tummy’s turnin’ and I’m feelin’ kinda mornin’ sick
Too much pressure and I’m nervous
That’s when the doctor man put in a dilator

And the aspirator was on
And the aspirator was on
And the aspirator was on

So I put my legs up, I’m sayin’ so long
The fetuses fly away
I’m noddin’ my head like “yeah”
Movin’ my hips like “yeah”

Got my legs up, what could go wrong?
And now I’m gunna be okay
YEAH! Aborting my baby today!
YEAH! Aborting my baby today!

Get to the club in my taxi cab
Everybody’s lookin’ at me now
Like “who’s that slut covered in nut”
I bet she’ll take it in the brown

So hard with my girls not around me
It’s definitely not a gang bang party
Cause all I see are giant dildos
Just like backstage on my TV show

My nipple’s hardin and I’m feelin’ kinda horny
Too much talking can get boring
That’s when my manager dropped my skanky pants

And my vibrator was on
And my vibrator was on
And my vibrator was on

So I put my hands up, cuff em’ to the bed
My inhibitions fly away
Rubbin’ my clit like “yeah”
Cum on my tits like “yeah”

Got my hands cuffed, they’re on the headboard
For the fifth time today
YEAH! C’mon eat my Miley buffet!
YEAH! C’mon it’s a Cyrus buffet!

Feel like hoppin’ on a cock, on a cock
My dad’s is hard as a rock, as a rock
Something stops me every time, every time
The entire country should know I’m lying

So I put my head down, I’m blowing my dad
His pubes are gettin’ in my way
Flossin’ my teeth like “DAD”
Lickin’ my lips like “DAD”

Got my head down, I’m blowing my dad
And now I think he’s gonna spray
YEAH! I hope he cums on my face!
YEAH! I hope he cums on my face!!!

…And this is why I am shocked that I have friends. Thank you.

Taggables: lauren.com, Lauren.com doesn't deserve friendship, lauren.com is probably a pedophile, Miley Cyrus, ohsuplauren, parody, party in Miley's pants

With the release of Donut, (granted there weren’t THAT many changes, this was no Cupcake), my love for my phone has been coated in sugary glaze and a bazillion sprinkles of Android 1.6 love seed. Glove love. Love glove. I would totally put my dick in an Android love glove… if I had the parts.

Now that my phone is faster and more capable than ever, I thought, “Well fuck, this is a great time to brag about all of the shit my phone does that all those faggy BlackBerry users phones don’t do.” (Sorry Linds, not that you bother reading my blog anyways… OUCH. Best friend burn).

So without further annoyance, here are my fave/most used applications and a brief Lauren-esque description of just what is they do that makes them useful to me and other humans who didn’t make the poor choice of purchasing another cellular device that doesn’t run Android. (B-B-B-BAM!)

Google Voice: Call forwarding application. You call my google number, it rings to whatever numbers I set it up on…your number?! I could. I could do it. Comes with voicemail transcripts, (yes, I read my voicemail, not listen to it, because I’m classy), data use sms, (making text packages through my wireless provider obsolete), is available on web-based client, (I can access my sms and voicemail via web), and syncs contacts which can be grouped and set for individual voicemail recordings, (the voicemail my boss hears is different than the vulgar as shit voicemail you hear as my best friend or lover).

Twidroid: Twitter client for Android. Minus the fact that my battery is drained by this application every fucking day, (thanks to @manicsocratic and the fact that I have it auto-update every 5 minutes), I love it.

Foursquare: Check-ins for Foursquare, shows nearby locations, sorts favorites, shows friends. Basically makes me the mayor of everywhere I go because my phone is like my best friend, boyfriend, and mother. Except it has less… hair.

FML Widget: Because FML.com is how I get to make fun of people I don’t even know, and it’s better when it auto-updates… and it gives me something to read when I’m pooping, which is often. (No seriously, I poop a lot).

Checkbook Genius: It’s the grandma application for a new generation! (I’m a grandma!)Balance my checkbook with my phone. Great for quick spenders like myself who are too lazy to log-in to online banking from the web browser. Makes me keep track of my funds, so when I get slobby robbed by a dickhole who thinks my credit is good I’ll be like…”Identity? You can has it.” And I’ll know that he has access to all $23.47 in my account.

E/Gmail: Of course I get my gmail, it’s a fucking Google phone. But I also get all of my lauren@ohsuplauren.com emails to my phone… which is 0, unless I get a comment, which is never. (Yea, seriously, some fans you are… all 5 of you, one of which is my boyfriend… HA can you believe I have a boyfriend?! Me either).

Latitude: A feature of Google Maps that allows you to see any of your friends locations (using GPS if I want to kill my battery in thrice the speed). Now I can really stalk you all instead of just doing it on Facebook…

Mabilo: Ringtone app, always up to date on the current trash they’re playing 104.7 and 101.5. Used to be Tunes for Android, sometimes they’ll give you entire songs instead of just snippets for free. I love free. That’s how I got my Gunther song.

Pandora: Pandora radio, there’s also an app for lastfm which I’m sure is just as blazingly full of sick jams for me to jerk off to in my car on my way home from work.

Ringdroid: Make ringtones yourself unless you have fat fingers, (Dad.com). Not so recent but awesome update, you can use unprotected m4a files. SWEET DIGS MA.

Shazam: The one application that never ceases to amaze me. Whether I’m at the bar or a bookstore or in the middle of a Charlotte Russe holding 5 pairs of underwear in one hand and my phone up to the ceiling in the other to capture a song, it almost ALWAYS knows the song.

Rings Extended: This app is a lifesaver for ringtone selection, in combination with

Ringo Lite: which makes setting contact pics and ringtones easier than buttfucking Santa, (which is terribly easy by the way).

The best fucking part of ripping this Android market’s asshole, is that I didn’t pay a penny for any of these glorious applications, or any application for that matter. Of course there are more apps that I use, but Jesus Michael Christ go buy a G1 and download them yourself you faggy dripshitter.

Taggables: 1.6, Android, Android 1.6, Android love glove, best friend burn, checkbook genius, cupcake, Donut, email, faggy BlackBerry, faggy dripshitter, fml, fmylife, foursquare, g1, getting slobby robbed by a dickhole, glaze my android donut with love seed, gmail, Google Voice, latitude, lauren.com does not promote blackberry, lauren.com poops a lot, mabilo, pandora, ringdroid, ringo lite, rings extended, shazam, twidroid

It is (almost) my 2 year anniversary at my inbound customer service call center job. (Yea, I have a job numb nuts, it’s how I pay my bills… because Travis ain’t no sugar daddy… bummer). In this two year stretch I’ve noted a few things. Things that bother me, things that freak me the fuck out, things that make me laugh at you when I get finished with the call, all sorts of things, all sorts of thongs? No. Things.

Today I’m going to address a few of those things, I’m also going to make a few underwear references.

1. The Background Baby. Congratulations! Your vagina is ruined. I know that you’re mad because you pee a little when you sneeze now, but for shits sake don’t call when your baby is crying in the background. AND if you find it necessary to call during such an event, leave it in whatever dumpster you left it in. Don’t go grab it from its fluid covered cage and hold it up to the phone. Just because you stay at home all day caring for a pooping, puking, foul monster and nobody gives you compassion for doing so doesn’t mean you have to ruin my day by having it cry tears of unjust diaper change in my ear.

2. Freeway Stander. Unless you’re calling for roadside assistancebecause you ran over the thumb tacs I left in the street (MUAHAHA!) I can think of no valid reason to call me while you are standing next to/on/amongst a busy freeway, (unless you’re committing suicide, then, by all means). Things make noise when they go fast! When I fling a thong by your ear, it makes a noise. A whooshing. I don’t want to fucking hear a whooshing while I try to explain something to you that you can’t understand.

3. Phone Breather. There are mouth breathers and nose breathers, respirators that breathe for you, and people who probably don’t deserve to breathe. (Hi! Me! Me me me!) Phone breathers are at the top of that list. (I’m second). If you can’t position your face on your phone well enough to prevent yourself from breathing directly into a microphone… expect the worst. I will breathe back at you. I will breathe a hole through your face. BREATHE WARS.

4. Whisperer. This person can’t find it in their voice-box to exude any confidence whatsoever and wishes to maintain a secretive relationship with their service reps. Understanding is impossible as only half of what they say is audible enough to hear, and asking for a repeat is scarcelyworth the effort. Accepting the fact that this person may in fact be a ninja is sometimes a solution, but I prefer thinking that somebody locked them in an oven and that they are trying to get you to ask about it, while presenting subtle hints like, “pssspspss pspspspssss oven. Pssss pssssss psswwwwpspspspssssss burning alive. Pssssswwooooo pssssssss delicious psswww fucking candy house.”

Taggables: background baby, breathe wars, freeway suicide, i pee when i sneeze, lauren.com has a job, lauren.com oven locksmith, ohsuplauren, thing thongs, Travis McCoy is not a sugar daddy, underwear references, unjust diaper change, whooshing

To the troops, son.

Taggables: 911, fire burnin, lauren.com is being offensive on the dancefloor, new york, patriot day, Sean Kingston, somebody call 911, twin towers